London, London, City of, United KingdomIn and around Pimlico and Victoria in London.
Over the course of two months of dating disasters a twenty something professional woman in London learns the course to true love never did run smooth...
Kate “KT” Turner didn’t realise how quickly her life could go wrong until she stepped off the tube in Pimlico underground station. One minute she was riding high, she’d finished work early, bought a gorgeous pair of Prada shoes (on sale) and celebrated with a little escalator flirting. The next she was stuck in a waking nightmare, where her mother was advertising to get her a date on mini-billboards across the London underground system, using a photo only a mother could love and a caption that begged ‘Date My Daughter (please)’.
A brief ‘episode,’ involving an unreasonable transport worker and a policeman on a power trip, ends in her arrest. Just when she thought it couldn’t get worse her childhood nemesis (Mark) offers her mother video footage for You Tube - KT in her first bikini, the one with growing room - plus the possibility of a viral email to go with the posters. Thus, blackmailed and with Mark volunteering to act as her mothers’ henchman, KT agrees to a ‘serious’ two-month manhunt.
She can’t rely on the tube posters, it’s a really bad picture, five million people use the tube daily yet all she gets are five telephone messages. Teenage hoodies singing ‘Who let the dogs out?’, an offer of a free pity-makeover, two confusing messages from ‘oh-err carnation-John’ (later becomes Stalker-John) and a lesbian calling on the off chance. With less than eight weeks to find a boyfriend and avoid going viral she reluctantly expands her dating trawl.
The pub proves successful, it’s more a pick up than a date and he kisses like an over eager Labrador (all lick and slobber), but he’s slender and fit; enough to climb out the bathroom window to escape their date. Tip for the future; don’t talk marriage and children within the first hour of the first date.
Speed dating (a.k.a speed hating) seems like a winner on paper; men en-mass and ten-minute dates. Surely even KT could be charming for ten minutes? The first date isn’t great. He likes role play; Dungeons and Dragons, not doctors and nurses. The second is better: He knows how to impress, he doubled her drink order. If only he was a foot taller with a full head of hair. It’s downhill from there; a Lord of the Rings extra, a Bible basher and a delusional fortune hunter. Then there’s the small matter of getting banned from further participation. KT’s confidence is knocked and the fact that Mark, who isn’t even trying meet someone, leaves with a bigger female fan base than Robert Pattinson and Bitch Barbie as a girlfriend doesn’t help.
From internet dating she learns three valuable lessons; 1) never drink and surf, 2) writing ‘must not be a weirdo’ in her profile does not stop weirdoes emailing, and 3) everyone lies in online dating profiles. Simon “Romeo” lies about being educated, employed and owning a home... She might have forgiven him if he hadn’t also clung to her in the street and cried when she tried to leave. Actually, no. She wouldn’t.
The lonely-hearts column - there’s a good reason they’re lonely - doesn’t prove successful either, netting her only an age inappropriate man-child looking for his Mrs Robinson, a desperate daddy, complete with hell spawn and Paul who makes a speedier bid for freedom than Usain Bolt going for Olympic Gold when Stalker John joins them.
Just when she thought things couldn’t get worse, she finds herself the star of a Morning TV appeal to get her a date. It’s similar to an appeal to re-home abandoned dogs, only she was fast discovering she was less popular than a rabid stray.
And, well there’s also the small fact that somewhere along the way she started sleeping with Mark. He’s hot, living with her - thanks to her mother - and she’s been out of circulation for a while. It’s just practice sex. Honestly. She needs all the practice she can get if she doesn’t want Mr Perfect to dump her back into the dating pool because she was a little (okay, a lot) rusty in the bedroom.
Finally, thanks to the TV appeal, she has met Mr Perfect. He’s gorgeous, intelligent, funny, honest and rich. Too bad Mark isn't going anywhere and whilst he’s not perfect, it’s starting to seem like practice does make perfect and KT’s Mr Right might just be Mr Far-From-Perfect-Mark.
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